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From Coltrane to Vanessa
This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl and Stacy review the movie "From Coltrane to Vanessa". This movie is one of the worst movies of all time. Memorable Quotes Carl: .................(sighs) Albert: (singing) But you didn't have to cut me off... Carl: (sighs and looks at his notebook. The only thing written in the notebook is "Albert is")..........I...I just got nothing.....THIS is the number one song in the country? THIS!? I don't know anything about this guy. I don't know any Albert material. Screw it. (rips the page out of his notebook) What was number one last week? Baljeet: (singing) Give me a second, I, I need to get my story straight... Carl: But.....but......when the (bleep) did indie acts reach number one on the charts for weeks at a time? I review stupid crap. How can I make an episode if THIS is what's popular? How am I going to pay my bills.... Carl:....I suppose that I could do the crossover thing and someone else can do the heavy lifting for me....but who... Major Monogram: What? After all those times you hijacked the local radio station to play those awful requests? (bleep) no. Carl: ...Nope.....Vanessa stopped answering my calls.... Buford: Oh! So NOW you want to do a crossover, huh? Are you sure you don't wanna laugh for twenty minutes about how I suck!? Go bite me! Carl: Ferb's still mad at me for camping out on his lawn.... Heinz: Yeah, yeah, that sounds great.....I don't know who you are. Goodbye. Carl: Well, I guess I can't do that either. (bleep) (phone rings and Carl reluctantly answers the phone) .....Hi, Stacy. Stacy: Hi, Carl. So I heard that you wanted to do another crossover because you didn't feel like doing all the work which I will be happy to do and I was thinking of reviewing "From Coltrane to Vanessa" and I saw it a bunch of times before and I think we should review it together because the last crossover we did went so well and I didn't need to tie you up, and um, yeah, you wanna do another crossover with me? Carl: ..... Stacy:....So, what do you think? Carl:..... Stacy: Okay, seriously, Carl, I'm looking at your check records right now and I know how poor you are and how badly you need money. So you can either review with me or keep dumpster dining at the local Slushy Burger. What's it gonna be? Carl:....... Stacy: I already bought a car for you! Carl: (facepalm) (screen shows Stacy hugging Carl. Carl looks unimpressed) Stacy: I knew you'd come review with me! Carl:...Yeah, let's get this over with. Carl: Ahem, "From Coltrane to Vanessa". Let's start with what it's about......(looks at Stacy) Tell them what it's about. Stacy: ...Well, there's a girl named Vanessa.....and a guy named Coltrane.....and the movie goes from one of them to the other.....there was a dance number in it....and sand was involved... Carl:....was that it? Stacy: Then you summarize the (bleep) thing. Carl:....Okay, there definitely was a Vanessa and a Coltrane, and there was sand, so this must have been on a beach or desert or something, and they look for buried treasure? Stacy: (shakes her head no) Carl: Or was that something else? Stacy: The point we're trying to make here is that this movie is not memorable. Carl: Okay, so what actually happens in the movie is that Vanessa's friends are dragging her to Florida for Spring Break, where they run into Coltrane and his friends, who run a party service despite the fact that have no business plan or resources and are rarely seen doing work. But who cares? WOO! SPRING BREAK! Crazy Old Coot: (to Coltrane, Jeremy, and Irving) No smoking, no drinking, no loud music, and most of all, no girls! Carl:...Dude, spring break. What do you run around here, a youth group program? Stacy: Now, now, maybe it's a gay hostile. Carl: The beach scenes from this movie look like they came from a DVD called "Girls Gone Mild". Someone takes a drink, like, once. Stacy: It's MTV's summer beach house filtered through the lens of a middle school assistant principal. It's so innocent they can't even film Vanessa in a bikini. (screen shows Vanessa wearing a one-piece bathing suit but with a t-shirt over it) Except in one scene. This is as beachy as she gets. Carl: Your average Disney Channel sitcom gets raunchier than this (Stacy gives him a look).....not that I watch any of those. Stacy: The leads themselves don't help. Coltrane, in real life, is a straight guy who's dating a woman....yes, really. But you wouldn't really know that by watching him in this movie. (screen shows Coltrane squirting whip cream on Jeremy) Carl: Tomboyish Vanessa, meanwhile, is so not up to par with being the attractive leading lady that you keep mistaking one of her friends as the main characters. Stacy: Here is where Coltrane and Vanessa meet. Coltrane: (singing and dancing with Vanessa) I've been watching you a while, and I really like your smile... Stacy: They dance once for, like, thirty seconds. And they will begin to have a deep connection from this, so they spend the rest of the movie trying to reconnect. That's the plot of this movie. Will these non-actors meet so they can fulfill their destiny of true love? Carl: Well, that's not the ONLY thing going on here. Coltrane and Vanessa each have their respective posses, and they all have subplots, so I think I need to give you a detailed analysis of each of their characters. Ahem. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Spike, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Sue Sylvester from Glee......I don't know how that last one got in there. Stacy: Let's go through their subplots in order. The guy who looks like a nerd is indeed, a NERD, and he does all sorts of NERD things, like get sunburned, be threatened by jocks, and, get this, try to find this chick he met on the internet. Irving: (to Coltrane and Jeremy) I've been cyber-chatting with this girl for, like, a year. We're finally going to meet on Spring Break! She's so hot. You guys should see her webpage, it's really well-designed. Stacy: She has a webpage? (snorts) What kind of idiot does things on the internet? (she and Carl look at each other, then look at the camera) Carl: Also, you have the buy the idea that this internet NERD met on her webpage, yet wasn't technology-advanced enough to exchange phone numbers with her. Stacy: In 2003, meeting people on the internet was not common. Irving: "Finally96 at gmail.com?" Gretchen: "PnFBiggestFan at yahoo.com"? (she and Irving begin making out) Stacy: This movie has HEARD of nerds, I'm not certain that they've ever encountered one. Carl: Now the jocky and stupid one's deal is that he hits on girls and gets busted by this one female beach cop over and over again. Jeremy: (to the cop) Did anyone tell you that you have such pretty eyes? Beach cop: Let me give you my number. (hands him a ticket and walks away) Jeremy:...Hey, this isn't your number, this is a ticket! Carl: (sarcastically) Wha!? Stacy: And he gets ticketed again.....and again.....and again.....(screen shows Jeremy being chased by a black guy who's not Coltrane)....wait, what was he getting ticketed for that time? (screen shows Jeremy crashing into a bunch of glass objects and the beach cop walking over to him) Annotation: That is NOT his fault, lady. Jeremy: (sigh) How much do I owe you? Stacy: Isabella Garcia-Shapiro aka the future "Whatcha Doin'" girl has the best, by which I mean the least insulting storyline. She hooks up with this hot local guy, but decides to be concerned about his life and stuff and he's not interested in being condescended to by this out-of-town college chick. Phineas: (angrily) We both know what this is. In a few days, you're going back to all of your friends to tell them about your wild stories. You'll tell them about the guy you picked up, except you won't even remember his name. Carl: And it's just odd because this guy is playing it way too straight for this movie. He seems too real to be in this universe and too smart to be working this job. Phineas: All day every day, I scrape beans off of plates and fill urinals with ice. (sarcastically) I'm living the dream. Stacy: Um....Hey, buddy, how are you still a busboy? You speak perfect English and I must assume that you're bilingual and you live in Florida. So, you're either a felon (screen shows a picture of Heinz) or a....felon (screen shows a picture of Phineas dressed as a criminal). Stacy: And then Isabella stupidly gets up on her high horse and (bleep)s at Phin's boss for treating him unfairly, which of course gets him immediately fired, cause, duh, he's a replaceable busboy. Boss: Phineas, I didn't know you were so unhappy....you're fired. Stacy: At first, he's angry at her, then realizes that she was right and decides to pursue his dreams. Carl: And those dreams are......I don't know, he never says. Maybe to sell drugs. Carl: Let's get back to the main plot of the story, Coltrane and Vanessa's summer lovin'. After those mindblowing thirty seconds from earlier, they can't stay out of each other's minds, especially after this hot and sizzling scene, where they meet after Coltrane ducks into a bathroom to hide from crazed women who want his free drink coupons. Coltrane: Hey, we met at the beach, right? Vanessa: Yeah, my friends call me Vanessa for short. Carl:......short for what? Vanessa: Yeah, my friends call me Vanessa for short. Carl:.....Vanessalinda, Vanessalandria, Vanessalificent? Carl: Things between them are alright at first, but then she finds out what a crazed party-animal machine he is when her friends push her into joining his whipped-cream bikini contest because she has awful friends. Vanessa: (to Candace and Isabella) It's humiliating, and degrading! Isabella: And fattening! Stacy:.....Fattening? You don't absorb whip cream. Carl: And of course, Vanessa does not want to participate because she is, of course, a strong, independent woman. Annotation: STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN Isabella: (to Vanessa) That guy's a jerk. Vanessa: I just don't get it! He seemed so different when I met him! Stacy: (in a mocking way) He just seemed so nice when he went into the girls' bathroom and I pushed him out the window. Coltrane: So are we on for the boat ride later? Vanessa: Yes, yes, but if I see any signs of non-dairy whipped cream, then I'm leaving! Stacy: She's a peach. I can see why you like her, Coltrane. (screen shows Coltrane and Vanessa on a boat) Carl: Pay attention, this is the big "love duet" in the movie. This is their "A Whole New World" magic carpet sequence. This is their "City of Love". Let's feel the passion. Coltrane: (singing) Baby come close, let me tell you this.... Stacy: "Baby come close"? They're standing nowhere near each other. Carl: (sarcastically) Feel the passion. Feel like looking at each other, for Christ's sake. Their only romantic high-point is saying hello to each other. Is this supposed to make us believe that they're in love? Stacy: God, these two have such non-chemistry that when they first meet, you think they're going to solve a mystery or something. Coltrane: (to Vanessa) There's something going on between us, don't you think? Annotation: No, no I don't. Carl: Well, we've established the romance of the century. Where's the conflict, exactly? Candace: (to Vanessa) He said he needed to see me, that it was important, and not to tell you. And then he said the only reason he got close to you was because he wanted to get close to me. (evil music plays) Stacy: Yes, it's Sue Sylvester that comes to ruin everything. She's the only thing that's driving the plot, if you can call it that, at all. An antagonist, if you will. She's apparently always been jealous of Vanessa's girl-next-door personality. Candace: (to Vanessa) It's easy for you! You get to show people who you really are! Stacy: Really? Anyway, she aims to keep Vanessa and Coltrane apart so she can have Coltrane all to herself. And really, when you see such a fine curly-haired guy, wouldn't you stab a close friend in the back? She gets a chance to ruin things when Coltrane loses Vanessa's number. Vanessa: (to Coltrane) Call me! (writes her number on a piece of tissue paper with lipstick, throws it out of a window, but it falls into a puddle, and the number that Vanessa wrote is now smeared) Carl: She's still up there, just call her.....idiot.... Stacy: And Sue switches out Vanessa's number with her own so she can intercept his messages and keep them from reaching Vanessa. Then again, considering that Coltrane was trying to send Vanessa such sweet messages as "I O U A BRGR", I'm not sure if she was doing them both a favor. Carl: I have a question. Why do girls have the "evil token" friend? Candace: Vanessa, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but I'm not sure about Coltrane. Isabella: (to Vanessa) Why are we friends with her again? Carl: That's a good question. That's an excellent question. Stacy: Sue even goes so far to bring a guy from back home who has a crush on Vanessa in an attempt to pad the movie out.....I mean to have someone challenge Coltrane for Vanessa's affections. And how does the modern man solve problems of the heart with dignity and masculinity? With hovercraft basketball, of course. (makes jazz hands) (screen shows Coltrane and Johnny having a hovercraft basketball fight) Stacy and Carl:...................... Carl: This is the worst episode of "Phineas and Ferb" that I've ever seen. (screen shows Johnny getting knocked off his hovercraft) Vanessa: Johnny, can you hear me? Carl:.........He had a helmet on. (screen shows Jeremy counting money when the beach cop walks over to him) Jeremy: ...I take a gambling on hovercrafts! Not so legal! Carl:....How would she know you were gambling? Beach cop: No, not so legal. Carl: Why isn't he in jail? Stacy: And yes, Sue Sylvester is so evil, she gets a full-on villain song. Candace: (singing badly and off-key) I'm gonna wish upon a star, I'm gonna go a little too far, I need love to get me far.... Carl: I can't even tell what key she's in! Carl: There is not a single redeeming song in this. Not one. Vanessa and Isabella: (singing) A-bum-bum, bum-diggy, a-bum-bum, bum-diggy... Ferb: This is a complete and utter waste of time. Coltrane: (singing) Looks like she just wants to play, so go over... Irving: (singing) No, I'll stay... Ferb: That sounded like Michael Jackson with a really bad cold. The entire cast: That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh, that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh... Ferb: Terrible. Carl: The music in this is so bad that they didn't even release the soundtrack. That's how bad it is. Candace: (to Vanessa) Let's go back to the hotel. (drops her phone. Vanessa picks it up and begins reading Coltrane's texts to Candace, who still thinks he's texting Vanessa) Stacy: (mocking Candace) Well, I'm just gonna sit here and let you read all those and make no attempt to get my phone back. Vanessa: (to Candace) How could you do this to me!? Candace:....I don't know! I just thought if I could get Coltrane to like me, then maybe I could be as good as you. Carl: Right, that's insane and horrible. Again, WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH YOU!? Carl: The climax, if you can call it that, is that Sue calls Coltrane and reveals that she's been lying to them both and she's been trying to keep them apart, and all is forgiven. A simple resolution to a simple non-conflict. Carl: Well, you two underdeveloped reality-show stars were forced to be here by obligatorial contractions, but at least you made it to the end of the movie. NOW KISS~! (screen shows Coltrane and Vanessa kissing) Carl: Ugh, so awkward. Stacy: And now we end with another theme park musical number, where we're supposed to believe that all these couples stayed together even though they live several states away. Carl: Let's be real here, people. Long-distance relationships NEVER work. Stacy: They never, EVER work. Carl: Even Danville School Musical, which was cheap and lazy, had a smoother plot than this. The cast: That's the way, I like it.... Carl: Well, here's the way I like it. (takes the movie out of the DVD) Stacy: And we're done. Isn't it so much fun, these bad pop-star movies? Don't you want to do these things with me all the time, Carl? Carl:....No.....No, I didn't enjoy that at all. What am I even doing here, anyway? I'm never doing a crossover again! Stacy:....I made you lasagna.... Carl: Really? Maybe I could.....No! I'm done! I'm going back to reviewing bad pop music like I've always been doing! Bye! (pushes Stacy out of the way and goes back to his house) (screen shows Carl writing in a notebook again. The only thing written is "Albert is some guy".) Carl: (headdesk) (bleep)..... (episode ends) Trivia *The creator has never seen this movie *The song that Albert sang at the beginning is called "Somebody That I Used to Know" *The song that Baljeet sang at the beginning is called "We Are Young" *Irving and Gretchen's email accounts are probably not real. *Gretchen's email account references an inappropriate joke from the IRC. *The creator is well aware that Johnny and Vanessa has broken up. She also doesn't ship Coltrane and Vanessa. Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Reviews Category:Vanessa Doofenshmirtz Category:Coltrane Category:Carl Category:Stacy Hirano Category:Fanon Works